That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
