Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
