Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
