I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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