i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize