i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
