dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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