I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
