would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
