I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize