1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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