We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
