My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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