Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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