I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
