just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
