grandma shit on top of the toilet
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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