I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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