you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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