This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
