you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
