I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
