Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
