you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
