Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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