Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
