"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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