from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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