If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
