I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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