If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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