You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
