Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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