a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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