We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
