Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
