i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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