we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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