They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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