Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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