i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
