it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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