just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
