you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
