Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
