youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
