My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
