Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
