HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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