i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
