I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
