Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
