You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
