You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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