im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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