Got a toothbrush?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
