stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
zippers are such a cool invention
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize